genox.ch

8.2.2017
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Pile of ashes

There's this feeling that overcomes you that it is too much, knowing that you already became much less efficient at what you do over a certain period. Things that once sounded easy to do and a fun side gig seem unbearably complex. And even the fact that you're just thinking that seems to underline that you feel weak and spent. Only adding to the helplessness and feeding a negative feedback loop. All joy is lost.

Things start to get uninteresting and unimportant. Rational thinking is hard, you can't draw the line anymore between life and job, feeling that you're somewhere in between or not anywhere at all. All you want to do is run away and leave this job behind you. You do things you never thought you'd even consider. You realize that this darkness in front of you is the abyss and you're one step away from losing yourself completely.

Congratulations, you probably just burnt out. Or missed it by a hairline. Doesn't really matter anymore at this point. You're a pile of ashes, wether there's a bit of glimmering, dying ember left doesn't make much of a difference. The exhaustion in your mind, the inability to process emotions, the lack of everything that you thought makes you "you".. it builds up and there's only one way out: pulling the cord.

I knew I had to talk to a doctor about this when I realized that the only thing that will possibly change something is to remove myself from the image. I thought (maybe I wasn't clear enough) that I mentioned plenty of times that "things are steering towards a breaking point" for me. But with all the things going on at the same time, I doubt I was loud enough. Feeling a bit like fighting windmills. The deterioration is a slow process. And for most of it, I was already on anti depressants from an earlier chapter of a chain of rather bad decisions. The drugs kept me functioning without me realising that I actually, actively destroy myself. At some point, about 8 months before things got really bad, I decided to go off my medication. It is as if my subconscious was trying to remove that polarizing filter so I actually get a grip of what's going on around me. So, seeing it more as a hunch at this time, I did what I felt was right. About 2 months later, after some rather unpleasant withdrawal, I felt that my ego awoke from a bit of a sedated state. At this point I was actually proud..

What you maybe don't know if you've never been on medication is that it directly influences your brain chemistry, which means in turn that your entire self is being affected. This has good sides, you're depression might become less dominant and you are able to "function" properly without succumbing to endless dark thought loops.. but it also levels you to a certain emotional play field. Filter, Equalizer.. of sorts. It can change you as a person.

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